Last Post for this blog

This will be my last post for this blog.

The blog will be locked, it shouldn’t be made public at first.

Its my wrong decision again.

I take this opportunity to appologise to all who thinks i am an *actor*.

Sorry but you are truly wrong, because I am not acting.

But its funny, that in this world, there is such human like me who exist.

A human who truly trust ONE LOVE ONE LIFE, seeking and trying to save her love.

But encountered disaster because her love is not a person who appreciates love, and just take love for granted.

Ongki @Elaine @Ong Lea Szu will wake up and continue her journey in life.

Reached Beijing, life goes on…

I am in the room. This guy whom I am so desperately to see him days and nights, is sleeping outside.
We are like strangers…or maybe worse than that, because strangers at least *see* each others…but we don’t.

I don’t know if he will still look at me, but I didn’t. Heart beating fast when first appeared in front of him.

I was hiding in the room, dare not go out to the living room but after gathered up the courage,

i showed up, being myself, treating him as transparent.
The feeling is really really ackward and so embarassing…everybody knows we were once lover and now i think they are pitying us in their heart….
With his presence, I only have these sentences in my mind “you are fat, old, ugly and stupid”, “go to hell”, “poopy”…
Maybe because of that, I even lose appetitite to eat. Hungry but just don’t feel like want to eat.

Not torturing myself, just *mourning*, haha, the best word to describe my feeling now.
But I know, let the gone be gone, let the passed be passed. The dark spot in my life happened in 2006 and it should just stay in 2006, I don’t want it t be dragged to 2007. I need to start a new life.

Btw, there’s an interesting comment…

Anonymous said…
“i know why your family want you to come back, muahaha, to stop you acting like a naive girl outside there”

Ongki said…

“True, only in front of my family, I can be my real self…do watever I want to do, shout and yell, scold and kick, unlike the complicated world outside, everything that you do, ppl will evaluate if you are doing harm on them, when you sincerely be good to someone, people will only say you are acting or pretending…”

I have too many to write, but its 2.35am now, need to attend meeting at 9am!
Will write more in details of the new year celebration in Germany, my *report card* for 2006 and the resolutions for 2007.

Welcome 2007, from Munich, Germany

With Chermayne and family.

My ‘Ah Gong’ passed away

Was reading email from sister, a very supportive message from the beginning of the email,

i think parents rather you to resign and stay at malaysia. Never mind lah, find job after you back to malaysia.

Was very overwhelmed with their understanding, as I expect they must be scolding me for leaving my job, without worrying about my financial ability.

But the next paragraph of the content gave me a shock,

Half way writting this letter, mother called me informed that grandfather passed away just now at 26/12/06, noon

I am so sorry that I am not with the family at that moment. Just like when Ah Mah passed away, I was only at the ceremony for a while to rush for STPM exam the next day.
I quickly call sister, guilt in my heart while talking to her, made me feel so bad.
Feeling guilty because I was supposed to visit Ah Gong during my days in KL last month, sister has been reminding me again and again but everytime i will have reason to break my promise :( Her words really apply to the situation now,
“if you don’t go see him now, then you wan to see when he’s not here anymore?”
Even now when he’s not here anymore, I can’t see him for the last time!
But sister didn’t scold me even a word, she just told me the situation. She even put me to talk to brother, he was there when it happened. He said Ah Gong suppose to undergo operation but even before the operation, his heart had already stopped.
In the end, siser just told me ‘no need come back la, call father and tell him’.
Then I called father’s mobile,

bad daughter : ‘wey wey, ah pa? ong lea si ah…’
mother : ‘wey wey? u calling from england? are u alright?’
bad daughter : ‘yes yes, in London now, I am fine, I am alright’
mother : ‘you don’t have to come back, never mind..’
(heard father keeps saying ‘no need come back, no need come back’
mother : ‘thats all la, nothing la’

That’s my parents…they worry the phone charge will be very high, so they just make it as short as possible. I luv my family. Each and everyone of them. And I miss them so much now.

微笑 Pasta : 笑一笑没什么大不了

Merry Christmas! It’s a lonely Christmas for me again, yes, a lonely Christmas in London…can you imagine it? I didn’t expect myself to end up like this too, but when I do not have the right mood, everything spoilt.

Just spent 2 days 2 nights watching this Taiwanese series,
“微笑 Pasta” by 張棟樑 and 王心凌.

A typical taiwanese idol series, the main reason i chose this series to spend my time is because of 張棟樑. I am kinda proud that this Malaysian born singer made it to the taiwan entertainment circle quite successful. Although I think his acting is weak compare to 王心凌, but as first timer, still ok loh…

I have watched, i think hundreds of hong kong + taiwan + korean + japanese series, since I’m still a kid. The last one I have watched before the disaster was “女人唔易做”. Everything started from this series. Because of this series, I changed my point of view towards 姐弟恋. Because I put this as my MSN message, *we* started. But since the failed relationship, I never have the courage to watch anymore tv series. Downloaded ‘The Hostpital’ by Jerry Yan but never did I brave enough to start watching it. Each and every romantic scenes made me recalled of him. I dare not, especially when I was in Beijing.
This time I tried. I watched Smiling Pasta, but it didn’t escape from thinking while watching. But then I suddenly realised, the feeling has lighten! It’s faded! Is that a good news? I only remember the feeling when we were together. I forgot how he looks like….:) yes, time will heals…as the series goes,

笑一笑没什么大不了

Typical fairy tale, charming prince came into the rescue of an ugly duckling that transformed into beautiful swan. Well, everytime after watching such series, I used to be very excited, dreaming, fantasize my own prince will appear soon…such as DaoMing Si in Meteor Garden, Ah Meng in Devil Beside You…but too bad, this time, I don’t have such thinking anymore.
Imagine the animation where ongki is dreaming and a bubble speech dialogue appears on top of the head, showing ongki and prince together. Suddenly, the prince turned into a terrifying and scarying monster, which keep haunting over ongki, lift her up, and throw her on the floor. Ongki didn’t manage to escape, too weak…bruises everywhere, heart broken for being dumpped, eyes swollen from crying too much. Ongki is still an ugly duckling and yelling for help but no one can help her now except herself. Bruises will get healed as time goes by, *only if noone came and put salt onto the wounds anymore*.
Please, whoever out there who thinks I deserve to be treaten like this, who thinks I should be hurt forever, what i wish to say is I am sorry. I am really sorry for what happened. Please let me go, please dun leave such hurtful comments to my blog entries. I am very tired, exhausted, I am too tired to mend my broken heart liao…dun put salt anymore, ok?

You won…you have won everything.

Parts of my life

You can insult me but not my friends….

Mon, Dec 18th 2006, 10:03 PM
anounymous: tell u what, their msgs are copy and paste one.. just to make you feel better

Dear Mr/Ms anounymous,

Whether they are copy and pasting is not important, that is not the point, and that is not the message that reached my heart.
You got it right, they are trying to make me feel better!
I did, I am so grateful and thank god that I have these friends. But it is not because of what they wrote in their sentence, its because of their sincere heart to at least visit my site and read my story and the effort of *copy and paste* (but I believe they aren’t).

I am a girl seriously low in confidence, often question myself if I really own those that belongs to me, but I know I am lucky, I do have plenty of good friends there, who will always give me support, give me shoulder to cry on…..they are honest to me and so do I honest with them…

“……would like to advice you, since you had realize you ignore your true friend in the past, just change your regret into love and start to send your fren a “hi” or drop some words to them. We will always welcome you.”

“…..sorry for your sad story but lets turn the page and start a new story of life….! Miss you too………..and the others here!”

“…..If u got any problem.. u can chat with us.. coz we r BESIDE U!!!! OK?”

“…..dont think much..keep yourself happy…go around london and spend sometime around there…U’r very fortunate to be there…okie…”

“…..haih…..if now….a fellow comes to me n tell me how to make miss ongki happy….i will pay him wif all my money in my wallet now…”

“Ongki, U r not alone, if u need a willing ear…U can have mine….FREE OF CHARGE….If u need a shoulder to cry on…………..”

“…… diu 9 nei lar.. sei cheap yeh.. hou sam… as i say leave some dignity… and c how thg goes in future… really cannot live without him meh? “

I trust them….even that person who hurt me, I still think he doesn’t mean to be mean to me, just that he sees me wrongly…but he is the only person in this world who made me rubbed my eyes and ask myself If i am dreaming…

Resigned after a year

Yes, sent a resignation email to Vincent and Ms Heng.

…This decision is purely due to personal reason and has nothing to do with the company

Ms Heng,

… alright..since u have decided, I have to accept it eventhough I really do not want u to leave, u are such a good colleage to me and good staff to the company

Vincent,

…You are a dedicated, responsible staff. If you leave us, this is a big loss for CIS

What are the reasons? Before listing these, let us recalled what made me rejoined CIS .
It’s exactly a year after that….

Now, what made me so determine to leave again? I don’t even have a new job yet. I will be jobless and I am not confident I can get any job with such pay

1) Him, definitely because of him. Its not whether I will work with him or not, but everyone and anyone in the office will remind me of him. To think of him now is a torture for me, everyday, almost everyday.

2) I am not good enough. I can’t lead well, I am slow and didn’t manage to work well with the another team lead, who eventually tell me to “buang sampah”

3) The one whom I was afraid can’t manage with her bad habits left, but another one is here.

4) I feel that my life is all about work ever since rejoined CIS. Could be because I was in Beijing and have to travel for project implementation. But oh god, I spent 90% of my time in front of this stupid Compaq notebook!

5) Dolphiny is incurable! There is no more technical thing I can learn from this sick Dolphine. MLM system? Not interested.

What I hope after resigned :

What will make me stay in CIS :

1) Raise my pay to *0000.
2) ……………………….couldn’t think of any

Aih….fine, it seems like i really need to change this job.

I will not visit his website anymore

I sent him my last email, no content, just put ‘please remove my picture in your website’.

He did, and i promised myself, i will not visit the site again. i will not…please remind me not to visit, please…

I miss you guys

Hi….

Am in London now, its 2pm Sunday which is 10.11pm, Sunday in Malaysia.
London sounds great but guess what, this city looks ugly to me.
U might think its great to be able to travel without have to pay a single penny, but thats not true when you have to work and the worst is, you do not have the right companion. The feeling is bad, just like you got isolated, the feeling ain’t any different than being prisoned in a jail and you can’t go anywhere, mentally.
Was browsing Jenny’s friendster blog about her 10 sisters reunion. Sounds so good. Then it made me browse through my friend list.
The count of ‘friends’ in my list didn’t grow since the last …. one year? or two? Am not sure but i feel like got stucked in my life.
Everyone has got new photos with new people…but mine? What happened to me?
I suddenly recalled those time with my gang of buddies in form 6. It was so wonderful to me. It was exciting, full-filling, although tiring, but its just the best memory in my mind.
I suddenly miss all my friends. Then i realised I forgot to even say ‘hi’ to u guys. Most of the time, you guys will message me to say ‘how are u’, will encourage me, will give me energy but I realised, I overlooked them. I am sorry.

I have been working like days and nights, mentally ill (getting serious) and just got stucked with boygirl relationship.
Been hurt seriously in my first time relationship with a guy. The usual emotional Ongki, couldn’t stand strong this time.
Feel so weak. Tried again and again to stand up but keep falling. But don’t worry, I know, time will heals.
What I learnt from this lesson is, nobody worth more than your friend who “knows you, accept you and care for you”.
I am sorry, I realised, I have too many bad habbits, thanks for your tolerance and thanks million for being my friend.

Truthfully and sincerely,
Ongki