Fate

i am feeling the same kind of pain again. Its Monday, everybody is working as usual. But me…trying to lie to myself, trying to hide my sadness, tryng to be friend with him again (as that’s my initial intention but how it turned out to be a force for me to write this, i have no idea)…

Everything is over. It should be over. It is an ending which am sure the whole world will stand up and applause for that, at least GE will be much relieved, but he knows, nobody can affect or influence me with my stubborn thinking.

I hope W knows me too. I hope he knows, there aint anyone that is causing me to come out with that decision. I doesn’t know how will he speculate this either. He did not tell me. He just agreed

I didn’t trust him at first, my lack of confidence and of course, his popularity among girls. J, D, LX, K ….oh gosh…all of them…my jealousy pushed me to be forceful…to force for answer, to seek a right for me to tie him up…to tell the world that this guy belongs to me, and no one should come near him. But that is not a girl that he wants, he doesn’t want a girl to tie, to prison, to limit him….he has unlimited needs and potential.

But somehow, I still love him. Because of love, i decided to trust him 100%. I swear, i will never ask others about how trustable is he, i will never listen to others who will give bad comments on him…never again, i believe trust is the first word after love.

I give him my love, my trust and my tolerance…i give in….but, there is nothing i expect from him, aside from just assuring me by telling me in person how he feels about me, and not just virtual chat. I just wan to feel assured. I wan to look through his eyes if he’s sincere, i wan to feel if his heart is beating fast to justify if he is really in love. But…he just doesn’t know how important it is, if he come back to meet me. I thought of going over, but…how valueable I am? what makes me different from J if i keep offering and offering?

But maybe because of this tiny little yet powerful dignity, I am destined to lose him. He can’t afford to have me and so do I cant own him. Agreed, yes, he and I agreed. So whats the point of feeling bad now….??!!!!

I really like this pic…can i put it here?

I am not sure what I did….

What did I do? I don’t know. But what I want to do now, i know….I want to see you, i want to hug you, i want to say sorry, i want to regret, i want to love you….

I Think I … am in love….

I Think I
by Byul

그럴리 없다고 아닐꺼라고 믿었죠
It wasn’t possible, so I believed it wasn’t true

내가 그댈 사랑한단 이 말도 안되죠
Me loving you, these words don’t even make sense

괜한 질투일꺼라고 내가 외로운가보다고
I’m probably just jealous, I guess I’m getting lonely

자신을 속여봤지만 이제 더는 난 감출 수가 없는걸요
I hid my feelings before but I just can’t do it anymore

우린 안어울린다고 친구 그게 딱 좋다고
Maybe we are not suited to each other
It would be good if we are just friends
하나부터 열개 도대체 뭐 한개라도 맞는게 없는데

From one to ten, we never agree on anything
How can we have a relationship?
어떻게 사귈 수있냐고 말도 안돼는 얘기라고

People say we won’t be able to do it
말하며 둘러 댔지만 이제더는 난 그러기가 싫은걸요
I’ve been surrounded by those words and I don’t want to be anymore.

(Bridge)
난 몰랐죠 그대라는걸 Woo 왜 못봤죠 바로 앞인데
I didn’t realize how I felt about you,

Why couldn’t I see? It was right in front of me
그동안 이렇게 바로 내곁에 있었는데 왜 이제서야 사랑이 보이는건지
That whole time you were right next to me
Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?

(Chorus)
I think I love you 그런가봐요
I think I love you that’s how it seems

Cause I miss you 그대만 없으면
Cause I miss you when you’re not around
난 아무 것도 못하고 자꾸 생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도
I can’t do anything except think about you
If I look at how things are I know

I’m falling for you 난 몰랐지만
I’m falling for you, I didn’t realize it but

Now I need you 어느샌가 내 맘
Now I need you, somehow deep in my heart it grew
깊은 곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요
Now all I want to do is take care of you

Yin vs Yang, Black vs White, Tall vs Short, LIKE vs LOVE

Surprisingly, another guy appraoached. F has been really kind enough to me. All the while, we were just joking, well, at least that’s what it means to me.
He has been treating me totally opposite as W. What I yearn from W has all been showing on F. Why can’t they merge?
Ok, F is not as charming as W but his concern towards me should be able to overweight this.

1) F remembers my fullname, W doesn’t even know. +F20, -W30
2) F bought stuffs for me, W never. +F20, -W10
3) F send me messages all the times, although i was obviously neglecting him, but he never fail to try to cheer my day up, although he obviously failed to do so..haha, but W….never…+F50, -W50

but here comes another list…

1) i like W but not F. +W99, -F90 …. haha…

Is he for real ? or its a joke?

Aih…started the blog with a great deep sigh again. Feel so bad, my poor blog has to bear with all my sorrows. Ok, here goes my mail for a cute young guy out there..

To my dearest W,

Yes, u are cute, u are charming, u are nice and … u are just young…
Weird, been thinking a lot of lines to write during the way back from office just now, but how did it got all dissapeared when i finally sit down on the table, listening to the sound of the sea and logged on to this poor bloggie of mine?
Ok, let me recall…
First of all, thank you so much for telling me all those sweet words, which I am so mind but not really mind whether its truly from your heart or not…in which u claimed they are… What a dilemma…just like my feeling for the past whole week.
Been feeling so terrible. Felt happy after chatting with you, but feeling sad the next minute after closing the chat.
I was all the times staring at the MSN chat window, hoping that you will initiate a chat with Ongki. But it really never happen, not even once
It’s all the times from me, and then only u started to reply.
“I like you. You are cute and pretty. I am serious. I hope I am the lee juan that you like” … with just a few lines of compliments n promises like this, had truly melted my heart into water and flowing directionlessly everywhere.
What’s in your heart? Is it for real or just a prank on the poor me? I already reminded you again and again that my heart is really made of glasss, can’t bear to be broken into pieces anymore.
She’s right…you are still young, you might not know or doesn’t deserved to be ‘prisoned’ yet. Whether you are true or not, I decided not to give it even a try.
As i always told my friends, I never use the word ‘try’ to describe the beginnning of a relationship. But I never really started any before, so I guess, i truly never try, not even once.
Deep sigh again. How do I feel? I guess it’s just LIKE and not really LOVE…but why do I so desperately wish to be pampered by you? I really hope, you will cook for me again, I really hope you will sit still and listen to me again. I wish you will volunteer to help me on the codings again. So nice of you…yes, I recalled.
The first touch that I recalled was when we were at the pub, which was just the second day when we met again in Beijing. We danced and I dragged you back to the seat by holding your hand. I didn’t realise I was holding your hand until i was really holding it…wat me saying…erm, kinda complicated.
I mean, at the moment holding it, i know, ‘yeah, i am holding this kid’s hand, so what, he’s so much younger than me, he wouldn’t have feel anything anyway.
But at the same time, I can feel your rough, big and warm hand. It’s comfortable to hold. I really wish I can hold it again…..:(
But that really seems not possible. I have been thinking what should I do, if you, just in case, you are really serious and truly come and knock my heart. The soft hearted Ongki surely will get defeated. Will I? No, so, just in case, you are reading this, what i want to tell u is, “Please, do not be sweet to me again, if thats not forever. it’s forever, i mean, not a year or two, not six or sever years, its until death do us apart.” Oh gosh, am getting lost with my words.
I do like you, but not love yet. I do hope we’ll have the chance to turn it into a beautiful blossom flower, but…i wish i can tear off your heart and see what’s inside! With such low level of confidence, I’d already prepared for the worst. You’ll come back BJ after a long long time, and you aren’t going to tell me anything, we are as usual, just colleagues who will laugh at each others as usual. Everything will soon be normal again. Very soon….soon…and then, we will live hapily ever after, individually…

Luv,
Ongki