Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina…

A city that I don’t really fond of. Dirty, vandalism, unsafe…and most important of all, nobody understand me!

why am i still sad

why the man i love most, hurt me the most?
it started just one month, but i think i will be sad for one year….or two? or three? i dunno….
everyday, i see loke, i see chi mien, i see doris, i see how sing in the office, i will think of u….
i think of u, i will force myself to think that u are the bad one, u left me, u played me, so i will be angry…
i will persuade myself tat u r bad, i should be angry, i should not think of u anymore…

but when i am all alone…but when i am sleeping at night, when i cant sleep middle of the night…
my mind is all about u…wat u said to me, wat u did to me, wat u mean to me, wat i mean to u….
i feel like wan to get a gun, point at yur heart and tell u to keep loving me…

today, i cant help but i peeped at loke’s msg. u said loke should use PAST TENSE to describe the girl sitting opposite him as your gf.
i felt a knife stabbed right into my heart. whole day, i was thinking of u. why u can be so cruel geh?
why u can easily forget geh? u forgot wat u told me? u use husband n wife to describe us…i tot we will b forever…
u said geh, not easily say bye bye geh….u said geh, i will be very happy if i go tian jin that time….do u remember?
i dun wan happy for one day….one week, one month…..i wan forever…
u said, u will wan me, even though i have big tummy….u said geh….
i gave u my heart, i planted yours in mine….
but then u suddenly snatched back yur heart, and mine, u throw it away….
then how am i going to live?
can i not to think of u anymore? i cant bear the pain n suffer anymore.
but how? wat can i do? can i go die? my head is very pain.
i cant sleep almost everynight….
i need to take pills to get sleep.
but when i am awake, when drive to work, i think of u again…..
there are many things we havent do together..u havent sing even once to me…
i havent learn enough how to be a good gf…..but u left me?
i am so lost…u know?
before u, i have juan….i have ge….they dun love me at all….i was hurt but the hurt was somehow easier to go thru.
i was crying, again n again, n again…i keep telling myself, i will be better, i will be better….but i really dunno how to live thru tomorrow.
i know that u are happy with yur life without me….trust me, i dun wan to interrupt u, i know i am disturbing u, but…..
but can i have one last chance to tell u how i feel?
i feel so helpless…..why the god in the temple at tian jin lied to me also geh?
i am like a small kid, my brain only at age of 8….i am naive, i know…
i never do anything bad to anyone….so what makes me deserve to feel the pain of love, again n again?
wat is life? why god keep punishing me?

sister asked me, ‘where is your so called bf?’
i din say anything, she kept chasing after for an answer….i said ‘no liao’
she wasn’t shock, like expected….but she was scolding…asking why
i din give her answer, as i myself dunno….
she said i dun have brain…she said i am always like that, do things never think…
i was very sad, but i have to pretend, pretend as if the broke up doesnt affect me much…
so wherever i am, in office or at home, i still have to pretend, as if very happy….
is this life? why my life like this?
why geh?

darling…why leave me? ongki wants u so badly….ongki dunno wat to do without u now…
ongki miss u so much, ongki loves u….
u said u will wan to give me happiness for the rest of the life….
u said we will have family, we will have kids…

darling….darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling……….

Fullstop

12 hours in the plane, from London to KL. Sleep, eat, listen to music and then sleep again. Basically that’s what it looks like what i did, but the fact was, I was thinking, sleeping and thinking again. Beside the times when my eyes was closed, my mind was only thinking about him.

There are many questions in my mind, but I have no idea what should be the right answer, or where shall I seek the answer from.
I was thinking, maybe I should not be angry at him at all. In fact, he never apologies for anything.
LS told me not to keep thinking of what I’d lost, but to count what I’ve earned.
Earned? What did I earned except a broken heart?

Oh yes, maybe its the one month intensive course of BEING IN LOVE.

20 Feb – First time chatting with him, like him but never think far more than just a normal chat.

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2 March – he’s just a didi for me

ongki : nah nah nah, dun misunderstand ah…i no interest with di di

xxxxx

him : ya, u r looking for mr right, not mr handsome

xxxxx

ongki : okla, enough story for today, work hard la, di di

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12 March – seeing him as a negative person

Ongki : too many complaints from u

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15 March – seeing him as a heart broker

him : last time , many girl die in my hand

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17 April – chatting from far, MY and BJ

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14 May – met, everything started here

the funniest :

5/16/2006 5:00:13 PM him : ong ki mei mei~~
5/16/2006 5:00:19 PM him : do u have kc msn?
5/16/2006 5:01:34 PM ongki: ongki
5/16/2006 5:01:36 PM ongki: not ong ki
5/16/2006 5:01:39 PM ongki: not kc
5/16/2006 5:01:42 PM ongki: its caseey
5/16/2006 5:01:43 PM ongki: duh
5/16/2006 5:01:52 PM ongki: ongki jie jie, not ongki mei mei
5/16/2006 5:02:00 PM ongki: the whole question got problem
5/16/2006 5:02:05 PM ongki: pay me RMB 2k

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21 May – like him more

5/21/2006 11:35:03 PM ongki: mau maggi mee not?
5/21/2006 11:37:13 PM him : mau

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29 May – he’s *looking* at me ?

5/29/2006 11:17:37 AM ongki : how u know i sleep at 6?
5/29/2006 11:18:04 AM him : i intai u one..

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31 May – flirt, but just trying to be playful

5/31/2006 11:09:53 AM him : y hati sakit?
5/31/2006 11:10:11 AM him : want me urut for u..
5/31/2006 11:10:36 AM ongki : RMB 20,000
5/31/2006 11:10:48 AM him : i help u urut wor..
5/31/2006 11:12:58 AM ongki : u must been thinking of the same thing, everytime u see me
5/31/2006 11:13:03 AM ongki : chau nan ren
5/31/2006 11:13:09 AM ongki : chou nan ren
5/31/2006 11:13:41 AM him : no wor…
5/31/2006 11:13:51 AM him : i din feel anything when i saw u..
5/31/2006 11:15:42 AM ongki : this morning, i also forgot what u said when u try to wake me up
5/31/2006 11:15:43 AM him : so, dun worry….
5/31/2006 11:16:02 AM ongki : aiyo
5/31/2006 11:16:15 AM ongki : u see me, no feeling…..thats why hatiku sakit
5/31/2006 11:16:29 AM him : i said it’s time to ????
5/31/2006 11:16:36 AM ongki : ??
5/31/2006 11:17:00 AM him : it’s take time to get the feeling.. my dear..

- I didn’t realised the real meaning of *fond of*

5/31/2006 10:31:17 PM ongki : u also got learn, ‘fond of’ and not ‘fond at’
5/31/2006 10:31:18 PM ongki :
5/31/2006 10:31:24 PM ongki : we got 8 here
5/31/2006 10:32:50 PM him : OK
5/31/2006 10:32:56 PM him : shit~~

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4th June – everything started here

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all happy things….

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15th August – everything ended here

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5th September – ongki put a fullstop

—–ending—-