This is not what I want – ????????

Boss is very nice to me, in fact, he has been very nice to most of his employees, care for them, even their personal life.
Like mine, he read my blog and know the existence of ?. He knows I have done a lot of silly things for him.
The first time we talked face to face about this matter, I was actually not prepared, and I almost cried on the spot, in front of him. He was worried and scared. And almost everytime, when there’s chance, he will try to persuade me not to be silly anymore.
He taught me ways to escape from this trouble. Then he’ll starts to disclose things unknown to me, for example, many of my ex-superiors actually knew this Then I’ll start telling him all the past things again Then I’ll feel sad again.

This is not what I want. I resigned from my previous job was mainly because I don’t want to work in an environment where everyone knows him and make me get reminded of him. I want to start a new environment, new life, new people.
But how come this bitterful history of mine got extended to XS?

Its been many weeks since 2nd July, that I managed to stop myself to feel sad or bad for this person.
I even tried many ways to stop myself from visiting his website, not to see his pics, not to read his blog.
Sent him email “dont come to ongkichilam.com anymore”, and bingo! He read my mail and never come to ongkichilam.com anymore. Fyi, he has been constantly checking on my website, I know…I have my way to know.
And that’s it, the link between us is clear cut! No more unintended virtual communication(sending and receiving of each others mind) between us anymore.
I told myself not to feel sad, and keep being strong, telling myself, I can handle this. I did, I really did well.
Until tonight, after shared just a few parts of the histories with mr.boss, I am thinking in depth again, and have the feeling to start crying! Now at this time, typing each of these words, my heart is pushing the tears in my eyes to keep flowing.
I think something is not right. Maybe I shouldn’t share with him, not because I don’t want him to know or any reason related to him, just that, I think I should not keep digging out the past again. I have been trying so hard to stop remembering, but how come I am doing exactly the opposite thing, why remember everything again? I am heading back to the ??? again.
I need to kill the self-pity element in me. Self pity will not help, will make me weak, I know.
I want to work hard, I don’t want to dissapoint all the new colleagues who has been putting hopes on me.
I don’t want to dissapoint myself anymore.

So mr.boss, if you are reading this, can u please promise me, not to mention about ? anymore?
Don’t mention this case anymore, then when you see me being happy again, that will means I am really happy.
Unless one day, I look for you and initiate to talk about ?. Then that will means I put on siren and I need your help.
But as for now, I have confidence, I don’t need that.
I hope YR can quickly recover, I feel sad for her.
Then why am I not hoping myself to recover fast and why am I not trying to make myself not to feel sad???

Chilam’s Word of Wisdom

???????????????,
???????
??????????,
???,????????.
???:????…..chilam

If concentrate on every moment, every details,
does not matter painful or happiness,
and understand the process,
i believe this is the truth of life,
as the saying goes, “Live for now”

New Friend, New Brother

This young guy, is very cute, just like a teddy bear, physically and when i get to know him more, his mentality is maybe a little bit *smarter* than a bear
He’s my colleague, an intern in XS. The first time i chat with him through google talk, he actually wrote,
“bye bye kache”
So cute hor…calling me kache….hahaha! If Jun’s the first calling me “Dai Kar Jie”, this kid is the second one.
Looking absolutely young, fresh and innocent, he actually describe himself like this,
“so hard to describe, for ur info i lead a triple life ^^”
And the more we chat, he actually dare to write this to me,

3:26 PM daryl.fire8: don’t seldom walk around later earthquake
3:27 PM me: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
�daryl.fire8: why nv growl just now in front of me

Just finished reading YR’s blog. Everytime reading her blog will make me feel sad, because I can imagine her sadness, although I am just an outsider observing in silence. Ganbatte girl!!!!!!

Boss asked me to attend a dinner with him tomorrow. Looks like a very grand one. Quite lazy to go, but i think it should be a good oppportunity to widden one’s experience. Just like what I told him, �????�?
Should socialise more, see more, experience more and not just sitting at home playing with the computer, as what sister always nag about me.

我的错…说我贱也无话可说

Recommendation from my cousin. Sounds so right for me…

分手到底是不是你要的结果
给不了我太多还不准我难过
不知道是为了什么
还要把你无力的爱记得那么多
怎么放手

也许上天安排你我擦身而过
我明白和你的爱不可能会有结果
你留下泛黄的承诺
要我抱着你的双手流着泪不准你走
说我贱也无话可说

连哭都是我的错
在你面前还要我怎么做
要我看见你们拥抱还一笑而过
沉默是我的错

连哭都是我的错
空房间独自等待着日落
爱没有进入身体就已经太执着
爱你是我错连结束也是我的错

分手当然是她要的结果
分手对他来说是解脱。。。
有没有搞错， 连哭都是我的错 ？？？

Chee Yan’s Register of Marriage

It was my off day. Unpaid leave, taken to attend one of my best girl friend’s registration of marriage.
I have known this girl since the age of 14, during our secondary school days at Convent Peel Road. With her family, I think I am considered her mom’s favorite girl, often joined the family for dinners, and sometimes overnight at their house. But ever since they moved away from Cheras, I seldom visit the family. But still, I am always remembered by the warm and friendly family.
Now their family is joined by another member, Allan, her hubby. This guy is kinda cute, talkative, just like a kid, am sure he’ll fit in comfortably with the Lee’s family.
I remember I have a deal with her, early Jan of 2005, when both of us were single, we actually promised that we shall send flowers for each other during the Valentine’s Day to make us feel better for not getting flowers from the guys. She did sent the first bouquet of teddy bears to my then office at Wisma UOA. But it was a bad timing.
That was the only case in our friendship history that I actually kept her out of my life, just because of my stupid jealousy on her friendship with that guy whom i like a lot. It was stupid, there was nothing between them, and most of all, there was nothing between that guy and I except that I had a real strong crush on him. I regret that in my life, I had hurt two of my best friends just because of this guy. To CY, I am completely sorry and feeling guilty. However, we never really brought up this matter, not even once. All happened in the silence. Slowly after the years, we regained our precious friendship. Maybe that’s what people say, if the relationship is true, nothing can come across it! Thank god, now this girl is still my best friend and that guy is still my closest boy friend(and not boyfriend). Since then, in the year of 2006 and 2007, I do send her flowers during Valentines, although she should be receiving from her bf but i am still keeping the promise, as a reminder for myself that i should never ever hurt my friends again. Erm, since she is now married, maybe I shall not send her anymore, worry her hubby might misunderstood or feeling jealous kekeke….might need to consider sending to myself instead
Tonight, I purposely digged out my old photo albums and captured some old pics of us with my mobile, thus the image below turned up to be real blur but i guess thats sufficient for us to bear a good smile on both our face

Our sweet 16th birthday! and I am now > 16 +10 ?!!

Her birthday, we are both born in the month of October

12 years later…at Shin Yin’s wedding party

Now, during her registration of marriage with Alan

My Best’est Gals

The married couple

I hate love, it makes people suffer

Few minutes ago, I was very happy returned from a yum cha session with Hugo. Who is Hugo? The guy who took this picture, not in the picture.
He is willing to teach me photography and promised to be the videographer for my sister wedding, for free!
Surprisingly, he actually has a lot of connections for charity works, something that I have in mind for so long but never really make it happen. He also can intro some charity works for me to do, such as visiting disabled kids, give them hugs, play with them(something i really love to do), and maybe taking photo for them when I am skillful enough.
Meeting Hugo, since the last time we met at Ipoh, it seems like he has grown up a lot. So much different from that funny guy who keeps teasing me when we used to work together at Genting. I guess he must have gone through something that really touches his heart, makes him getting *bored* with life? Not sure, but from how he sounded, seems like he is sad that he’s getting further from his dream? Or could it be relationship problem? He mentioned his ex-gf used to live near my house. I have a feeling, with my superb extraordinary women sensitivity, I feel that it must be relationship problem. But I think he is at the recovering stage now? Not sure, haha, maybe I think too much. Myself is ????.

But when I reached home, my RSS feeder retrieve Abbish’s blog entry, written in big red font. I do understand many of the chinese words…until the specific line that declares his relationship with his gf, I have to double check in the dictionary, the words ??. I am right. Ended. It has ended? But aren’t they getting married soon? From what I know, from what I read in all his writings, he loves his gf a lot. But what makes an end? So fragile…Loves can be this unexpected, unreliable

Another colleague of mine, put this message in her google talk. �??????????�?This is so true.
Tomorrow, my friend will be signing on that certificate that will officially ends her bachelor life. Married to become an aunty Happy? I am for sure happy for her, because she found the right one. I guess nobody, including the couple will appreciate this ceremony more than me. To them, it shows their love for each other, to me, it shows love does exist!

I typed “love hurts” in the google search box and found a lot of entries, one of it is this. Ouch, it really hurts myself when there are so many familiar lines like “…Actually i knew it was her fault but i still forgave her and felt guilty that maybe i did something wrong” or “The more you try to hold someone the more difficult it becomes to hold that person”

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

I never felt true love until I was with you, and I never felt true sadness until you left me.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

����� ����

I bought a house

Its a condominium, located at Kuchai Avenue. Price about RM180k, inclusive of the RM20k for one parking lot.
Damn, I don’t like the idea of buying a parking lot!

Sister was repeating the same line these few days, “…buy la, if you don’t buy, your money will lost elsewhere anyway”
Yeah, true but I just feel uneasy to start engaging in such commitment. Just for the thought of buying a new car which cost around RM60k, I was so reluctant and ended up to just stick with my red red Kancil.
Imagine, RM1k per month, for 30 years~! Oh my god….I told mom, ” without commitment means if i don’t like my job, I can just quit and sit at home…” I really enjoy the freedom I am having now. Nothing can tie me, I can do whatever i want.

Sister said I am stupid because I never have the desire to have my own properties. She said I will regret when I get old later. But honestly, I don’t think thats stupid because the goal of my life is not to have a lot of money, properties and live comfortably after that. I have been telling them again and again that, I don’t mind if I don’t have a house or a presentable car (they have been complaining my Kancil is not up to my *rich person* status, careful, women is poisonous), I hope when I am old later, I will be travelling from one country to another country, seeing the world, I don’t mind to live at my Taman Pertama for the rest of my life. Ah Bah said “…ok, your father will let you stay in this flat until you are dead”.
Haha, thats what i am happy to hear. I’ve got my Kancil for me to move around, I’ve got a house that will never chase me away, if these basic necessities of life are fullfilled, hey, i am free!

But these are just dream….haha! After woke up from a short nap on this rainny afternoon, I realised, we have to face the reality. The reality is, wealth is still the most important thing to ensure you’ll be living a better future.
So, I see things from another angle. I imagine myself living in a house that I fully paid by myself, each and every inch of the house is under my control (at this point, sister will say it will become a rubbish bin). That is also another freedom
I can imagine, after a tired day of working, I will come home with a 2007 edition cool black VIOS, open the door, switch on all the air-cons, then take off my clothes(to walk around the house in nude is also another kind of freedom), lay on the bed for a while, and then go for a warm shower.
After shower, I will choose the most sexy outfit from my wardrobe room. Then switch on to ASTRO, watch my favorite drama, while making some ribena drink at the kitchen. Then lay on the sofa, switching the channels like calculater(thats what my ah bah will say if i do that now). After no more program to watch, I will go to my study room, switch on my HP notebook, check emails with the highest volume of my favorite mp3. Ah…heaven
I love being alone. I am trained to be alone, enjoy the feeling of loneliness. “Syiok sendiri la”.
Prepared myself to be alone for the rest of my life. But don’t worry, I am not alone all the times, I’ve got my family. I’ve got my god daughter Friends might be too busy for me to disturb, they have their own life. We have to admit this fact.

Master Bedroom – bed must be big and nice, cox i spend a lot of time sleeping

Kid room to be turned into study room.

Bedroom 2 – if i am bored sleeping at the first room, this is alternative

Kitchen – i do love cooking, but the best I can do so far is just maggi mee

My Current Mood

I do love pan mee a lot but…

I was so shocked today during lunch with mother and aunty at a restaurant near our house. That’s the restaurant that parents go every morning for breakfast. And there is a pan mee stall, whose cook is a young guy, which I got to know from sister that he’s also 28. This stall used to be operated by his mom, who passed away last year, kinda sad that the taste of the pan mee by this young cook is not up to his mother’s standard.
Mom actually told us that she did recommend her younger daughter to this guy some times ago! Younger daughter?? Who else? Me la!
I was walau eh…..and its so embarrasing when I heard about this, because we were eating at his stall! But mom said the guy respond at that time was ??. In chinese, you will read as too tall, but he emphasized to my mother that its not height that is tall, its the requirement. Its my high requirement. I remember when I talked to him the last time I eat at his stall, he did say, “you are so tall, still wearing high heels?”
Sister actually made the same joke too. She did mention about me to that guy! Sister told me, “..he was asking for your name, but will you accept a pan mee seller?”
All the times, I will show them my “oh my god! ” face. But inside my heart, I am thinking, whatever he works as does not matter to me if we really clicks. I started to think, if one day he asks me out, will I go? erm….
Please, I am not desperate, in fact, I lose confidence on ??? already, its just something funny which shows my family does worry about their unmarried daughter! I told my sister, I might be single forever, taking care of parents, and I will travelling around the world when I am old, life’s still great!
My cousin who saw I put this message “my mother n sister is match making me with that guy who sell pan mee” on MSN asked me, “how does he looks like?”
Erm, I think a bit like this….

Yes, imagine Jaycee Chan, Jackie Chan’s son, without their trademark big nose!

Pity Ying Ying

I am so mad now. I couldn’t believe there is such beast, animal in this world. KNN CCB TNS….
Mum, boyfriend arrested over murder of girl, 3, in Penang.

PENANG: From today, I no longer have a daughter. those were the words of Teh Tatt Beng, father of Jess Teh who was remanded to help with investigations into the shocking death of her daughter, Shearwey Ooi Ying Ying.
I do not want such a daughter. It is like a pound of flesh that has been cut from my body,? he said at a press conference organised by Penang Wanita MCA here yesterday.

Ying Ying’s grandmother was heard saying: ‘Why take the life of an innocent child? I took care of her until she was so big and they killed her just like that.’