有点想放弃的感觉。。。

chrlo: 你想放弃什么？
ongki: 放弃自己做不来的工作
chrlo: 你有很多做不来的工作，我知道。 不用说。
ongki: 没人姓 好累
chrlo: 是“没人性” 笨蛋
ongki: ;p
chrlo: 去睡吧。

A Poem for Ongki – “Waiting”

Waiting

Waiting for you is like a flower waiting for the sun;
Waiting for the sun to shine brightly towards it;
Bringing life and joy as it touches the petals;

Waiting for you is like a root waiting for the water;
Waiting for the water to flow in its stem;
Bringing freshness as it flow deep inside;

As i’m but only a flower that rot without you;
A flower that die without your shining smile;
A flower that die without your flow of comfortness.

Am not allowed to disclose name, but the author is not a human.
Happy, poem specifically for Ongki, “Ongki oh my sweet and dearest ongki…”, according to him

Thanks!

A Mei @Live & Loud KL 07 我要快乐, 如果你也听说

其实，我是特别喜欢阿妹的声音。 在她发 ‘我要快乐’ 的那一张唱片时， 我就很喜欢这首歌。
然后，还有人对我说，‘我要给你一辈子的快乐’。 可是最后都是骗人的。
所以现在每一次听这首歌就好像在伤口洒盐。 尤其是以下的这几段歌词。。。
在现场听阿妹唱时，特别悲哀，特别的苦，特别的可怜，特别的遗憾。。。
最可笑的是， 阿妹最新的唱片，有一首歌叫 ‘永远的快乐’。 哈哈。。。
阿妹，阿妹呀， 你怎么知道我应该要的是 ‘永远的一辈子的快乐’呢？？？ 选你狠。

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓 当作成长

如果你也聽說 有沒有想過我 像普通舊朋友
還是你依然會心疼我
跌跌撞撞才明白了許多
等我的人就你一個
想到你想起我
胸口依舊溫熱
如果你想起我
你會想到什么…

Live & Loud Kuala Lumpur 07 – Enjoyed!

Performing Artistes:
• Zhang Hui Mei (A-Mei) 张惠妹 • Michael Wong 光良 • Fish Leong 梁静茹 • Victor Wong 品冠 • Andrew Tan 陈势安 • Zhang Zhen Yue 张震岳 • Claire Kuo 郭静 • Vincy Chan 泳儿 • Kenny Kwan 关智斌 • Thor Luk • Dominique Choy • Huang Qi Shan

细水常流

There are too many heart broken ppl in the world. Came across this writing…I like the phrase “陪我看细水常流的人”

我需要的是一个可以陪我看细水常流的人，
尽管，我知道，在这样一个速食爱情的城市里，
我的观点，老得有点脱臼了。
仿佛是把满是铜绣，
而又找不到钥匙的锁。
没有熬成的红豆，有什么关系呢？
至少，我还有我的。咖啡。
我一个人，看风景。

Mathew and Mei Har’s Wedding Dinner

Mathew and Mei Har are both my coursemates.
Mathew is even my upper six schoolmate. Mei Har is my housemate during university life.
To attend their wedding is something we have been saying since few years back.
And they just did.

Looking at them standing in front of me, in their wedding gown and suit, I feel grateful.
See pictures here.
Remember how they met, start dating, Mei Har changed 180%, then broke up, and then reunited again, and now finally reached the wedding bells.

In their invitation card, its actually written,

With new dreams, new hopes, new aspirations
and a desire to achieve new horizons
we are stepping into a new beginning of wedded life

In fact, before they start dating, I actually do admire Mathew a lot. He’s the one who is ambitious, aiming high, work hard, study hard and just dare to accept challange type of guy. I love this kind of people. I was like, 0.00001% dissapointed when I got to know they started to date.
Mei Har, it’s amazing to see how she actually broke out from the coccoon, revolved from an ugly ducking to a beautiful princess.
Okla, not really ugly, but just a description. She used to be really soft spoken, shy, a bit chubby, with thick glasses, scared-talk-louder-will-scared-her type of girl. But since she has Mathew in her life, she has evolved 180%. No more soft and shy, its cool, full of confidence. No more chubby with thick glasses, she went on very strict diet, did laser eye correction and just … oh, can’t describe. Its truly IMPRESSIVE!

Out of my 4 other housemates, 2 already married with kid, 1 just married and another 1 is still in the river of love.
Looking at myself. Still hanging….
History is repeating. Remember when we were in uni, two girls in one room, another two in another room and I chose the single room. Then one by one, they found boyfriend, everytime their guys will come our house to bring them for dinner.
Left the forever lonely Ongki. Years passed, but situation still the same.
Forever lonely, forever taking care of myself, forever being the most painful….

Kenson and Vanessa’s Wedding Dinner

14/09/2005 23:59
20++ years of my life, he’s the only dog lover among my friends.
I claimed that DOG MANIAC!
He actually takes a week off from work because his dog is going to deliver
..bei kui za dou….
Always say I am too tall…but the fact is he’s too…..(ahem ahem)…
A true designer whose works are truly quality and impressive…just that he charges too high….but worth it geh…

This is what I wrote about him in year 2005. Kenson Koh is my ex-colleague from WNS. When I was at the starting point of my career, when I know nothing about working life, he is one of them who actually touches my life.
I guess he’s the best graphic designer among my friends because I really do admire his works, with style, with soul and touch of creativity. But his real person is just like an ‘aunty’, hahaha…very ‘long gas’, mumbles a lot and repeating the same thing again and again.
He was once a heart broken man but just the day before yesterday, it was declared that he is one of the most happy man on earth! He found his other half. A very friendly, pleasant and nice lady, Vanessa.
Remember those days when he was so weak, and I kept scolding him for being a loser, but who knows, not long after, he’s the one scolding at me for being another poor and weak loser!
During the dinner, they actually made a very nice and special slideshow, very creative and funny and touching…that I was moved to tears! I am so happy for him. Sincerely from my heart, I gave my blessings to the couple, forever and ever.
But when is my turn to be one of the most beautiful gal on earth?

Written on the card, “There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved”…..

Who has a Wii in the office? Xeersoft has!!

Recently addicted to the Wii game.
Its been quite sometimes since my office has set up the game room, equipped with a PS2 and a Nintendo Wii!
Didn’t enjoy much at first, couldn’t find any that game that I really like.
But last Friday, my colleagues and I were playing the Wii Sports! I love the games, especially the tennis!
I just wish I am that good in the real game
We played like, for few hours and the next two days my arm was aching so terribly. Ok, I know, really lack of exercise Ongki.
I am sure, spending an hour playing this everyday should help me to put away my ‘bye-bye’ flesh!
Haha, don’t know what is ‘bye-bye’ flesh? Ok, take up your arm and wave, see the dangling extra loose fleshes at your upper arm? Age catching up, so does my muscle, without sports and only sitting in front of the computer all day long, the whole body will turn into a balloon, squeeze anywhere, flesh everywhere! Yucks!!!!

Project Management

Last last week, out of a sudden, I was appointed to handle a new project, as the project manager.
I never have a good sleep ever since then.
Talking about project management, I know nothing, because previously I was always the one being managed by managers.
Yes, I do have experience leading a team, but hey, to monitor programmer’s progress is two different thing from ensuring a project progress! This time, I was thinking in my heart, “die hard”, “big wok”, “shit”.
I started to worry so much, frowning days and nights, I guess too much pressure, I started to lose control of what should do, how to do, when and where is the starting point.
Even after project kicked off, I was totally blank, until I actually made my director feel that I didn’t put effort in it.
I almost fed up, until I initiated a chat with FC. He is always my mentor, shed light on me.
I explained my problem to him, telling him the difficulties dealing with my team members when I was involved in the payroll module, and how I really couldn’t cope up with the expectation from my directors now.
He analysed and told me that, I need to trigger the button to start up the FIRE in me.
FIRE, I thought about passions, but he explained more than that. Its like knowing that you had hit a jackpot, and the excitement of claiming the prizes!
But how to find the button? How to start the FIRE?
He pretended to be an asshole and started to talk bad things about me, my capability, failures, weaknesses…u know, those words that hurts….but, no matter what came out from him, it can never be as hurt as those that came from HIM.
I remember words like, “old, ugly, fat, stupid, poopy”.
Hey, this really triggered me! I found the button! I pushed on the button and promise myself that, no matter what difficulties I am facing, I must prove to HIM that I can do anything I wanted to, most important is I am not OLD, not UGLY, not STUPID and definitely not a POOPY! (don’t know what is the meaning of poopy? don’t ask me, check dictionary, amazing how he knows such word).
The next day, I started to work with direction. With burning fire in me, I put in a lot of efforts, make sure I am not just a “robot” hired by boss, make sure I act and think positively. DIrector told me, “If you need help, we are always here for you”.
I know what he meant, I really do. Effort is important, don’t worry to ask for help, if blur or don’t know how to start on something, just get help, just get advise.
I have an objective. I want to be able to “manipulate” the system, beware of this word, “manipulate”, its not just understanding, not just able to use the system but to be able to “twist” around with the system!
Today is the second time meeting up with the client. I learnt a lot from these two lessions on Accounting and Inventory.
It looks like this project is going to bring up a new dimension for the company.
I MUST do it. Right now I am a bit sick, with my runnning nose, need to get some rest before starting on a new war tomorrow!!!!

Just now, tried to release tension, went dinner together with colleagues. We went for steamboat. Had a good chat with those guys. Looks like they are so worry about my future, or not able to get another half, keep trying to match make me with company guys…In mind heart, I was telling myself, NO ONE CAN REPLACE HIM.

Confused

Dear Ongki,

These few days you were confused again. You have a lot of thinkings and each has a reason why you should move ahead.
But very dissapointed because you are still dreaming, still confuse, still living in memory, still suffer in others past.

You have got pressure at work. I know, if you are still who you are before he came into your life, you will not just sit here and let the feelings of pressure to haunt you. You disliked being controlled by this kind of feelings. You loved challenges. Remember when you were in Beijing? You were very unsatisfied with that senior who left the team and management just put you on top as replacement. You see that as an opportunity and you don’t want to lose to yourself. You were working so hard every night. Working till morning 6am…remember? That’s how he got noticed of you anyway, wasn’t it? It could be that your passion for work that attracted him. But it was so unexpected and you had such a dramatic change after he stepped into your life. Work had became nothing. You only see him. All your efforts were for him. That explains why you are such a loser now. You didn’t manage to become the controller of the game. You were controlled.

Looking at your parents, your sister, your friends, you actually feel that you had humiliated them.
Why ‘Ongki’ has became such a ‘cheap’ girl? Why? Why? Why Ongki wants to keep offering again and again?
Until today, you are still being controlled. Your emotions are like roller coaster. Why until today he can still swings your emotion as freely as he wanted to?
He published your message on his website, you requested him to remove but he just don’t want to do that. You begged in the email, you yelled for his help but you are still unheard.
You called his mobile, you heard his voice. But coward you, you didn’t dare to say anything. Why? Because you scared he will ask you to ‘go to hell’ again?
Don’t keep injecting drug into yourself please. Imagine if your parents know this, they might not even want you to be their daughter. There goes you confuse again, conflicting between your brain and heart again.

Ongki, your biggest weakness is that you are indecisive and worse still, you couldn’t work out accordingly to your plan.
You told yourself that you just wanted to love him just the way you want it to be. You don’t want to care how he reacts. You don’t want to disturb his life anymore. Let you be the one who suffers, you chose it.
But how far have you done the above? You couldn’t control yourself to stop sending him stupid emails.
You couldn’t control yourself to stop feeling sad everytime he came across your mind. I thought you are suppose to think of the good moments you shared with him only? Remember him with a smile, and not tears anymore.
If you have promised yourself, do it. Be good to yourself, nobody loves you, then you have to start loving yourself.
Like what he said before, you don’t deserve anyone’s love if you don’t love yourself.

Ong Lea Szu