Disconnected

People often asked, ‘Why do you blog?’ I normally do not have a concrete answer for them.
Well, I don’t know how to express the feeling of writing about myself, and then reading it myself, as if I am not myself. I sometimes wish my friends will know how exactly I feel by reading it so that I do not need to explain myself to them. I found myself very difficult to express myself correctly.
But after few months not blogging, I felt something was really missing in my life.
I found that, all these while, without blogging, my life was like without direction. I was like disconnected from myself! DISCONNECTED!
The past few months, what happened to me?
1) Father admitted to hospital
- He’s alright, no big issue, but looking at him lying on the hospital bed, I felt sad. He got old. How long will he be there to nag at me, to call me up at the middle of the night to ask why am I not back to home yet.
Every morning he’ll left me a honey drink at the kitchen. I will make sure myself finish it before I leave for work. Its not the honey in the drink that is sweet, but its the effort that counts. If possible, I would really like to make these scenes into a video. It’s not a culture at home but I really with to tell my father that I love him. I am sorry that sometimes I will act rude to him when he nags at me, but he knows I don’t mean it.

2) Mother got tumours, luckily not harmful
She got growth on her neck and vagina part. She went to see so many doctors and was so worry about the tumour might be a harmful one, and turned out to be ‘cancer’. Thank god, it was harmless.
I accompanied her to gynae check up. The doctor needs to extract the content of the vagina part to send the growth content for further analysis. I was waiting and heard her screaming in pain. Doctor finally thinks she has to be “made unconscious” (I don’t remember what’s the term in English) so that she won’t feel the pain. I was accompanying her for a while before I left for work on that morning. I feel guilty because I think I should accompany her until the end of the process. Sorry mom.

3) MBA was tough
It was very tough. It’s not just about attending class and finishing the assignments. The final report was very very tough. I have difficulty writing in standard business language. I have difficulty even in writing a well formed English. I told my colleagues, ‘…but I am only good at writing blog in lousy broken English!’.
And the most disappointing case was when the professor wouldn’t reply my email anymore. I got to know that he is not happy with me, and I do not know the reason. I have been attending all his classes and respecting him so much. But all of a sudden, I was told that he don’t like me. I can’t do anything. I am sad, yes but I will not worry too much, as I’ve already done my best in the paper and group presentation.
I’ve put in so much effort, that my work got affected.

4) Pressure at work
Peer pressure, project pressure, people pressure, client pressure, manager and bosses pressure.
I have been doing most of the roles in this project. Being the one who go meet client for requirements, coming back internally for design and doing the programming, delegating tasks, and now even giving trainings and doing supporting and project management stuff.
I am worn out and exhausted. Last week, I broke down and burst into tears in front of MD.
I told him, I am not capable of doing multitasking. We had a lengthy chat, he show me the overall picture of our organisation. To me, there is no specific result from this conversation but at least I feel better. He said I must appreciate my nature of willing to learn new things but I must also have a big enough ‘pale’ to buffer all the things in it.
Later on, I pondered, I think it’s not that I am willing to learn new things. The correct point should be that, I love to see new things. Whether I can learn and master them is another issue, which I don’t think so I can do it well. That is the problem! This is the reason why I put in a lot of efforts yet it is not fruitful.

5) Relationship
Yup, I have found someone whom I think is the right person to walk life together. But hey, the art of being in a relationship is a huge process itself! Part of the processes are to understand MYSELF, understand HIM and understand US.
Many times, I expect a lot which he will never able to fullfill it. Then I will start complaining, which I think sooner or later will annoyed him. I don’t know how long will he be able to tolerate on this.
But at least at this moment, I am sad and mad at him, but I didn’t complain to him, I just ignored him, because I want to stop myself from saying something that will hurt the relationship.

6) Self management
I have lost my diamond necklace in 2008 during the Taiwan trip. I later lost my Samsung mobile phone.
I lost my IC, license, credit card and ATM card recently. I don’t know what else can i lost.
I don’t admit I am forgetful. I am not. It is just that I didn’t put much focus on the smaller thing of my daily routine, especially when they are people around me. I don’t know since when I am living my life being so independent of others. Where is the Ongki who survive all by herself at Singapore? I really appreciate those difficult time I had there. But how come everything has changed to so bad now?
I dare not look at the resolutions that I made for this year anymore.
None of it has been achieved. And I am not confident it can be achieves anymore.

TGIF…HIM

Libra and Cancer is not meant to be together?

What does that means? What should we do if it has started? Waiting for failure?

They love to stare at each other but for some reason they will never reach out and touch — best as a dream. ( Source: AquarianAge Romance )

For Cancer: Your mood swings are far too upsetting for the Scales. Libra needs harmony and a variety of entertainment which really isn’t your style or your intent. You create melodrama at an emotional level and would prefer to stay at home where it’s safe and secure. ( Source: Love Test )

For Libra: This is not the best match. The moody Crab is just too difficult for you to handle. You need to surround yourself with positive individuals who will create a harmonious environment. ( Source: Love Test )

Libra would not go for Cancers moods. Both love a beautiful home but Libra needs parties and Cancer can do without. Not too good. Both operate on different levels. Cancer is emotional and Libra is intellectual. Libra doesn’t understand Cancer’s moods and Cancer doesn’t understand Libra’s detached emotions. Cancer is too possessive, and Libra too airy. Both love a beautiful home. Libra can’t give Cancer the emotional response it needs. Cancer is money oriented and Libra is extravagant. Libra loves the social life and Cancer loves home and hearth. ( Source: Astrology Fun )

Cancer Man & Libra Woman

This match is not meant to be. You may go into this relationship with high hopes, but you are bound to disappoint each other in almost every way. He thinks saving money is very important; you love to shop. He has a practical approach to everything; you are flexible and easygoing, preferring to take things as they come. He is pessimistic; you are optimistic. He is a master at hiding his emotions from everyone including you; you die without tons of attention and affection. There’s not even much romantic chemistry to bond you two together. You’ll both be unhappy in a relationship together. It’s a match that’s better left unmade. ( Source: Jellybean’s Astro-Soulmate Guide )

Romance will reign supreme in this relationship. It’s the stuff that fantasies are made of! However, once the movie’s over, Libra, you may find yourself slightly annoyed by Cancer’s possessiveness and need to know where and what you’re doing 24-and-7. It’s only with careful communication that this relationship has a chance for success. ( Source: FUNgirl – Astrology )

Cancer Woman & Libra Man

This match is pretty much doomed from the start. You want emotion and lots of communication. Meanwhile, he is looking for someone to provide an intellectual connection. So he’ll be trying to talk about the universe, when all you want to do is kiss! That will be very frustrating. Because of the many differences in your basic natures, you won’t really “get” what each other is all about. It’s almost impossible to establish a real connection in this match. Not a great love match for you. ( Source: Jellybean’s Astro-Soulmate Guide )

What starts out with a bang may, unfortunately, end with a sputter. Things are glorious in the beginning, with plenty of affection and attraction. Problem is, Cancer girl has a much different thought process than Libra boy, and that’s when the trouble begins. She wants coziness and commitment, and that may scare Mr. Libra, who is more likely to act with his head rather than his heart… ( Source: FUNgirl – Astrology )