I promised myself. Cases like LJ, GE will never ever happen again.
I am glad and plan to throw a party to celebrate this! Proud of myself!
But I have done the most dangerous and stupid act yesterday.
Almost killed myself. Phiew….Luckily I went throught it.
Been thinking to get a friend for companion…but who? There are no one in my list that I can 100% rely on.
SY…better not disturb her, i think i made her n HL frusfrated with my talk and act differently attitudes. FC? Nope..I am ashame of myself in front of her. CY? She does nothing wrong but she is no longer my best fren. CCY…ya, i can only talk to her. But i think i scared her with my scary sms.
But i am glad in the end, i came up with this…
Because of someone who don’t love me, does it worth to let go all those who loves me?
No, obviously he don’t.
Its been years I did not cry like that. I could not remember clearly when was the last time i hide in that playground anymore…I think the last time was when I was in F6. They don’t wan to get me a computer. I’ve been hiding there for hours. But in the end, i witnessed how my father searching for me everywhere.
Who is more important than family? Who said no one loves me? I got my mom, dad who are getting older everyday and loves me even more everyday.
If its really true I owe him last life, it should be all paid back now, i guess. I can’t afford to pay back with my life. Its too worthy, invaluable.
Who am I in his heart? nobody..really nobody…Jen is right. Jen is always right. She has a brilliant eyes and minds.
He asked me, ‘how u know u have no feel for ‘him’ anymore?’.
It was when i suddenly realised, its been long time since i think of ‘him’. Real long time. I don’t see those ‘flashes’ in my mind anymore. I am glad. And it happened so naturally that I don’t have to force myself to remember.
But he is always someone very special in my life. A small portion of my heart does keeping his image there. Just an image, nothing more. Although we never started, but I always assume he’s my ex-bf already. I might be silly but, LJ has already got a great role in my life.
GE, i think one way of how i develop that more than just friend feelings for u is when, I always look at you deep into your eyes. I am always trying to feel how you feel which will make me wanted to get closer to you more. This is not right. I will never do this anymore.
SY doubted my intention to get a job in Sg. I can firmly assure her that its really purely because of my personal point of view. I am too comfortable here. I really hate myself for being too dependant. Too naive, too emotional, too irresponsible…
I hate myself for that. I really wish to see more, to gain more knowledge, to meet more friends, to broaden up my life horizons….
But I really dare not put too much hope, as I told her, I do have the instinct that I wouldn’t be able to make it. I have a good chance here in CIS, a very attractive future ahead. But well, i still think its ok for a try!
I suddenly feel like, I should invite God to my life. He might be the best companion who will not dissapoint me, will not turn me down, will not look down on me…
Might be a choice….