I promise this is the ending of all…

I promise this is the ending of all…

I promised myself. Cases like LJ, GE will never ever happen again.
I am glad and plan to throw a party to celebrate this! Proud of myself!

But I have done the most dangerous and stupid act yesterday.
Almost killed myself. Phiew….Luckily I went throught it.
Been thinking to get a friend for companion…but who? There are no one in my list that I can 100% rely on.
SY…better not disturb her, i think i made her n HL frusfrated with my talk and act differently attitudes. FC? Nope..I am ashame of myself in front of her. CY? She does nothing wrong but she is no longer my best fren. CCY…ya, i can only talk to her. But i think i scared her with my scary sms.
But i am glad in the end, i came up with this…

Because of someone who don’t love me, does it worth to let go all those who loves me?

No, obviously he don’t.

Its been years I did not cry like that. I could not remember clearly when was the last time i hide in that playground anymore…I think the last time was when I was in F6. They don’t wan to get me a computer. I’ve been hiding there for hours. But in the end, i witnessed how my father searching for me everywhere.
Who is more important than family? Who said no one loves me? I got my mom, dad who are getting older everyday and loves me even more everyday.

If its really true I owe him last life, it should be all paid back now, i guess. I can’t afford to pay back with my life. Its too worthy, invaluable.
Who am I in his heart? nobody..really nobody…Jen is right. Jen is always right. She has a brilliant eyes and minds.

He asked me, ‘how u know u have no feel for ‘him’ anymore?’.
It was when i suddenly realised, its been long time since i think of ‘him’. Real long time. I don’t see those ‘flashes’ in my mind anymore. I am glad. And it happened so naturally that I don’t have to force myself to remember.
But he is always someone very special in my life. A small portion of my heart does keeping his image there. Just an image, nothing more. Although we never started, but I always assume he’s my ex-bf already. I might be silly but, LJ has already got a great role in my life.

GE, i think one way of how i develop that more than just friend feelings for u is when, I always look at you deep into your eyes. I am always trying to feel how you feel which will make me wanted to get closer to you more. This is not right. I will never do this anymore.

SY doubted my intention to get a job in Sg. I can firmly assure her that its really purely because of my personal point of view. I am too comfortable here. I really hate myself for being too dependant. Too naive, too emotional, too irresponsible…
I hate myself for that. I really wish to see more, to gain more knowledge, to meet more friends, to broaden up my life horizons….
But I really dare not put too much hope, as I told her, I do have the instinct that I wouldn’t be able to make it. I have a good chance here in CIS, a very attractive future ahead. But well, i still think its ok for a try!

I suddenly feel like, I should invite God to my life. He might be the best companion who will not dissapoint me, will not turn me down, will not look down on me…
Might be a choice….

She spoilt my trip….

She spoilt my trip….

She? who is SHE? Who really did that? I guess not really ‘her’ but me myself.
But it was all going well until her presence.
I know that at the moment she told me she’s there and we need to go out to pick her up. I keep telling myself, not to see, not to feel, not to sense so much but i just couldn’t control it. It was basically a torture.
I blame no one but myself. But at the same time, I couldnt control the bottom of my heart to hate them.

I am getting confused, LOVE, LIKE, CRUSH…

I am getting confused, LOVE, LIKE, CRUSH…

I have no idea if what i am doing now is right or wrong.

I told the whole world, including myself, I LOVE him but then, what feeling is that?

I have feeling for another him, and …

i thought it is only LIKE, at most CRUSH, but then…why do I act, or feel as if LOVE?

I really wish to let him know, “pls stay away from me”…

history keeps repeating…

everytime when I feel that, or maybe he feels something wrong with me,

we’ll stay away from each other.

This time, i dun wan to do the same thing to spoil the friendship again.

I dun wan to…if i really tell him how i feel, only one consequence and two bad effects.

Our friensdhip will vanish, ‘he’ will lost his best buddy, who will always be with him, whenever he is down, and this is the time when he needs her support the most.

I will lost him, my best ‘boy friend’ buddy.

But what to do? I couldnt guarantee how many times i can control my jealousy and rage…i couldnt act…i let the feelings exploded once and i am smart enough to quickly ammend it…

I really wish him not to call me to say, ‘hey, its damn jam out there…nothing, just wan to call u….’.

i wish he will not call me to tell, ‘hey, i am down again today. i cant bear with it….’.

but i also hate to hear he says, ‘so u not going, then she must not be going lor…then forget about it’.

Eveyone are ambiquous about my feelings for him, they are right, i do have that special feelings, but i still have to deny loudly, that i don’t…i can’t admit…

I’ve never felt that terrible as of that nite, when he introduce his another ‘gal friend’.

the jeaousy was so obvious, cox i dun talk much…but i still force myself to ‘smile’ and cover my rage. But once they left me, my drivng speed really reflects how i feel then…

G2 – my fav hang out place!

G2 – my fav hang out place!

Met HJ, Feli, Cy, Hl and Ge yesterday.

Girls had steamboat and later the guys joined.

G2 is definitely my fav place, i’ve been there twice in a week!

i love the environment actually, feel comfortable, and the best thing is,

they have playing cards…to play my fav game, ‘chor dai dee’ and well, i must admit that i play it quite well..or mayb luck on me.

oh, have been lagging with my post. stopped half way on d trip to KK.

will cope up again when i have the mood.

Difference between “somebody you Love” & “somebody you Like”

Difference between “somebody you Love” & “somebody you Like”

In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster,But in front of the person you like, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring.

But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush.

But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.

In front of the person you love, you can’t say everything on your mind.

But in front of the person you like, you can.

In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy.

But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.

You can’t look straight into the eyes of the one you love.

But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.

When the one you love is crying, you cry with them.

But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.

The feeling of love starts from the eye

But the feeling of like starts from the ear.

So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need

to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes,

love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever…

God Gives and Forgives

People Get and Forget

Fun yet tiring holiday – began Fri, 12 Dec

Fun yet tiring holiday – began Fri, 12 Dec

It was the very first time meeting ‘double M’, CF, Bee, LS since long long time ago.

Saw Puah n Chee Fai(the old bags) as well. The so called ‘gathering’ was not a great one yet a suprising one, double M got back together. Really glad of it..although I have 0.00001% of dissapointment, cox I really admire Mat a lot.

21/10/2004 – 3rd day at KK – Sapi Island

21/10/2004 – 3rd day at KK – Sapi Island

3rd day…

I’ve got license, I passed, I am a certified diver!

Today we are at Sapi Island. Alexandra n bf joined us. They are both diving experts from German. I am not sure where did the boat stopped and they started their dives but then later, they told us they saw turtles. Interesting…

After that, we headed to Sapi Island. Beautiful…many visitors..many boats around..
Jeff was now cheeyan’s one-to-one instructor. Well, she really needs special attention.
Then Bryan, Alex n I went down as well. We spent 40 mins underwater. Bryan said, its considered long. This dive was the most interesting of all. Firstly, I gotta show Bryan all the skills we did the previous day. Not really all, but taking off the mask for 3 mins and neutral buoyancy. Later, without any notification, he suddenly told us to exchange regulator and take off equipments. I was shocked a bit but that did not pose any problem at all. I did it as normal and i’ve made it! So does Alex…but when i need to breath through his ‘octopus’, he was so slow taking it out and caused me to choked a bit. But that was okay…
The we tour around the underwater…fishes, many fishes, usually we see the group of fish from the top view of the sea, but now we are at the bottow…
We saw cuttlefish, i did not realise until Bryan told.
Touches nemo a bit…then corals…

Ooh, after a tiring underwater tour, we got up the boat and spend quite sometimes there before Jeff n cheeyan got back n got down the island for lunch.
It was relaxing on the boat…as usual, took out my camera and took some pics.

Then we had lunch, rice with pork…err…it looks n taste bad 🙁

20/10/2004 – 2nd day at KK

20/10/2004 – 2nd day at KK

20th….

First day diving. Meeting up with the instructors at about 9.30, we were introduced to Bryan, the Jeff substitution for that day lesson. This guy is damn humourous, but not many of his jokes cracks our laughter, but he’s a nice guy…really nice…

Started with a ferry ride to Police Beach (Gaya Island). Its so wavy that we cant even stand still! Oh, that was also our very first time trying out the wetsuit n the heavy equipments, the oxygen tank, the weight belt, the fins…

Okay, the first thing was to breath with the regulator. Was a bit difficult at first but first timer always feel like that. Pity cheeyan, this girl cant swim and she has to accompany me for the course. The surge was so big that we really cant kneel down underwater…very difficult…

Lunch time, nasi goreng! oh gosh, looks exactly the same as we took that morning.

And guess what…cheeyan was so sick that she vomitted. pity and guilty in me. shall i encourage her to continue? or just give up? was in dilemma…and it really depends on her…if she wan to continue, but definitely not that day…she did not join us for the second dive.

This time, which is the real diving lesson underwater…i am not sure how deep was the water but i guess both alex n i made a good one.

Even Bryan complimented us, he said, ‘i still cant believe u guys never dive before…u guys were so good’..hehe, i was very happy actually…i know i am a slow learner…so whenever he gives instruction, i will listen very very carefully. well, i always believe that, if u like something, u can easily learn it.

Still under the water, Bryan demonstrated to us, how to clear our mask, exchange regulator, sharing same regulator, neutral buoyancy, take off n on the weight belt, take off the whole equipment n put back. It was really interesting, and we did it without needed to do the second time. Each time we completed an action, Bryan will put the OK signal, clap hand and then hand shake with us. Feels so good…

Okay, i was half dead by then. Finally going back to the boat. Cheeyan looks better now. The next dive will be very deep underwater. We need to go down following the line. I go first, Alex follow.

After rested quite sometimes, we wore back that heavy equipment n got down to the water again. This time, its really deep…i started to go down…and down..and down….wow, the feelings was indescribleable, because weather u look or up, u can never see the end of the rope.

Fear conquer me by then. And i keep looking up, wondering why havent my buddy in sight? Where’s alex?

Well, we waited but still couldnt c him, we got down n reach the bottom. Nothing much to see, only darkness, sands…dirts…or could it be that i was scared? I felt very tired and would really like to stop moving, but i was under the water and i couldnt be lazy! must move!

spent just few minutes under, we finally got up again. the first thing i asked was, ‘where’s alex?’. argh..so he had problem with ‘equalizing’…and stop half way.

wat a waste…

ok, lets call it a day…

Journey back was quiet, nobody speak anything, all exhausted.

All goes well…back to the shop, regained some energy..still manage to go for drink with Jeff, at KFC.

At abt 6pm, HL came n fetched us. Went to his apartment for the very first time…the house is really well kept, clean, tidy (just a bit boring).

19/10/2004 – I had a wonderful trip at Sabah – 1st day

19/10/2004 – I had a wonderful trip at Sabah – 1st day

I’ve got my diving license! Spent 4 out of the 6 days at KK for the diving course.

I did not expect it is this interesting yet difficult in diving.

It could kill! Yet it could cheer up my life!

19th….

GE fetched CY and sent us to KLIA.

An excited journey, as usual GE with his sense of humour made us feels good, and of course thankful for sacrificing the morning to send us all the way to the airport.

Not a comfortable, suffering actually…the plane is like a mini bus, shaking during take off n landing. The seat is really lack of space and i couldnt curl up my leg comfortably.

Luckily, we had a smooth meeting up with HL, since I spotted him while waiting to pick up luggages.

From there, we had a quick lunch at Gaya Street, the infamous, Vietnamese Chicken Rice. But it was not as good as I could remember. Well, things change…the shop itself is new.

Then, we headed straight to the diving shop…

Jeffrey not in and we waited a while before meeting him for the very first time. He looks sissy in that formal shirt n pant. CY claimed to saw Alex there but I have not a slight sight of him at all.

Okay, so we started the lesson with a frightful feelings, we have to do homeworks, and exams…argh…we couldnt believe that we are really doing that during our TRIP!

Alex joined us after the second video session…he gave me a very very good impression, he looks good…with a sporty hairstyle, outfits and his english slang attracted me the most. But we do not communicate much.

Obviously CY gained much attention from both Jeff n Alex. But I don’t mind, those are only visitors in my life. My main objective is

DIVING, DIVING and still DIVING!

After few hours of video sessions, the theory lesson ended and we had a drink with Jeff at KFC. Then HL fetched. At about 6pm, the sky looks like 9pm, amazed CY a lot!

I myself was confuse.

Alrite, then we had the cheap, nice and delicious (peng, leng, cheng) seafood dinner at Hoi Wong Seng. We had crab, a fleshy one, prawns, crams, and my favourite, Sabah kangkung…everyone concentrating on the seafood…not much conversation, could be that CY n HL were still new to each other.

That nite, took some flu medicines, was so worry that the block nose might cause me cant dive the next day, luckily, the medicine works…flu gone..

Page 54 of 55
1 52 53 54 55